You're too sensitive. I was pretty heartbroken to say the least but moved on pretty quickly as I had my friends, who I could literally tell anything to. My mother was very manipulative of me during my teenage years. I feel guilty if I go out for the day because my mum makes me feel like I should be at home in a passive . I just want to rebel and do what I want. 27 Posted December 14, 2010 They control my life. After being married for about seven or so months, my then husband began to tell me what I can and cant wear, who I can and cant talk to and even when I could go out. I lived with them from the very beginning. Whatever activities, dreams or decisions i made are being discouraged. With my then 18 year old daughter. My mother had an abortion prior to my birth, and after I was born by cesarean section, my parents officially ended their marriage. If you are still living in her house, you have to abide by her rules. I can relate to the hiding, I feel intimidated by her, its like a competition from them for space in the world. Ask Amy: My parents constantly give my son unsolicited career advice My father was in and out of my life for 12 years, until he wiped me out of his life after he got remarried. I moved in with the friend my mother hated. Its sad that our mother daughter relationship had to end with us drifting apart, its sad that we began to not have anything in common, and its really sad that we pretty much became strangers to one another. It helps knowing someone has gone through what I am struggling with. You complain about her, but never once express gratitude for any of the things she did for you. I was getting better & more positive. I understand how you feel. I began somewhat treating my friends how I saw my parents treat eachother, thinking it was alright to do it, cause my parents did it. You have a long time to make your own choices. I have my own personality and my own interests. My mother on the other hand didnt like her and her reason was because she got negative energy off of her, which I didnt understand as she was one of the most positive people Ive ever known. This is YOUR life, no matter who gave it to you. My mother was 40 and my father was 54 when I was born. That is, until my older sister Nicole got sick with an aggressive disease and passed away a year and 9 months later. Be aware that once you are on your own, your mom may find ways to aggravate you. Indecisiveness. In this article, reviewed by a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor (LCPC), learn the signs and symptoms of various types of abuse, how to recognize these signs, and what you can do to stop abuse from occurring. Ultimately, you have to take back control of your life and determine where you want to go from here. I kept just about everything to myself. My mother still wasnt happy and looked as though she hadnt had proper sleep in over a decade. My dad was the same but in a more sly and quiet way. On his days off hed sometimes take all of us to the beach for a few hours. My brother stayed with a friend of hers and I stayed with my aunt and uncle. She helped me a lot and made me realise things. I lived with my grandma for a little over two years before I was put into foster care. We eventually lost sight of her and after that day, I would see my mother around but shed either just ignore me or shed glare at me like she despised me. She just knew but the way I was acting, that I was pregnant. I eventually realized I couldn't keep doing this. She told me that she partied a lot, and went to the nightclub every night. Im doing alright, I sadly developed anxiety and am on medication, and both my sons are also doing alright. My mother refused to tell me and claimed I didnt understand what she was saying and there was no point in her continuing to tell me. I want to work on the weekdays instead of just the weekends? It's up to her. Growing up I always had to be by my mothers side, with everything. When she returns 20 minutes later she tells me how horrible I am for doing that to her and how effed up me and hubby are because she doesn't deserve that. After leaving I never returned and the sad part about all of this is, I never heard from her after leaving. Its like she does all this stuff to make me miserable and she treats me like a servant I don't even feel like her daughter at all. In that time my mother was acting like a teenager, looking back on it now. I don't tell her anything about my comings and goings. My mother was quiet the whole time. She also portrays me to be this timid crybaby type of person who cant survive a day without her. I do things their way out of guilt. People with flawed but mostly normal parents can not understand what we've been through and the toll it takes on one's life. It's not like you were ever planned by your parentsthey tried their best. Answer: I actually have a twelve-year-old daughter, so our children are similar age groups and I know how you feel. Manipulation is one of the key components of controlling people, because manipulating others gives them a sense of power and control. I honestly don't even think she understands the affect it has on me and I know she probably means well in her own mind, but her behavior has had such a strong negative impact on my life that I always imagine what it would be like to fake my own death and finally be able to breathe without her looming over me. To start breaking your mom's control over you, you need to stop the 9pm phone calls. I remember her words vividly: "I don't like where this is going!" Out of their compassion they raised you and you have given them so much pain. I have since moved away from my mother and now live with another family member who thankfully is nothing like my mom. Answer: It has been my experience that no, controlling parents do not change, which is why I chose to cut ties. She was diagnosed with cancer 4.5 years ago, having built up a business myself for 22 years I stupidly gave it up to care for her. I was 18, and if she did take it, I could report it stolen. They are anxious and paranoid. In 2013, I found a new partner and was engaged a second time and got married in 2014. This Indian culture doens't allow you to move out of the house and stay away from parents even when u live in same area despite u earning well. She cooked for you. In fact, most of a YouTuber's career is editing video, and promoting their channel via social media etc. Here's a look into the psychology of teens who cut and the reasons behind their self-harm. I felt uncomfortable and didnt go back after the third time. Thank you for sharing your experience, it helps others who have suffered the same to know we are not alone. Answer: Well that depends, why don't you want her to sell it? My caring oldest brother is married, moved out of home and has a lot of conflict with my second oldest brother with anger-issues, so he never visits much. We must raise our children embracing their individuality and anatomy, and help them become the best versions of their unique selves. This has never sat well with me. So my parents moved in to my house in the UK. Insecurity and anxiety can lead to controlling behavior. If so, it's important that you carefully plan your departure with support from others. and well done to you. Question: I am scared to death of being a controlling, or too involved mother. While all children grow up being taught the morals, values, and beliefs of their parents, it is up to us as adults to create our own life philosophy. Im living the life I want the way I want it now and it feels great. That must have affected him in some way too, as it affected you, and somehow made both biological parents act as they had. It thankfully never worked but still. I've tried to be the opposite of my mother in all aspects of my life. They may also think that their life experience means they know best. By Michelle C. Brooten-Brooks, LMFT Hopefully in the future my mother will be a different person, even though its unlikely. I wish I could stand up to her and set her straight but anytime I've ever mustered the courage to try she shuts down everything I say and refuses to actually hear me. My parents were the people raising me, not the people who gave birth to me. They may not be aware they are exhibiting this behavior, which often stems from their own anxiety. It restricted me from finding a partner for so long. If someone in your life is controlling, it is important to reach out to friends or family who are supportive. Do you have any advice? Sometimes it is hard to understand why I'm having particular problems. You have no obligation to help her unless you said you would, and even then you really don't have an obligation. The author is blind to their own role in the relationship problems. Not to terrify, control, and abuse their children so that they can be the good drones of society who go to college, get a job they hate, get into a miserable marriage and then sit down and shut up until they die. Things drastically changed. In hindsight, I would put off college for a year or two and work a lot. Just treat them the way they treat you and don't show ANY guilt. Deciding what is healthy and what is NOT healthy for you and your kid IS BEING MATURE. I realized that listening to my mom's constant beratement made me take my frustrations our on both my daughter and my husband, despite my attempts to prevent this from happening. Either way, you are to blame as well even if you don't realize it. We pay rent to live here.. but don't have a clear place to put our things. Several months later I wanted to go to a bar with a few of my friends. 15 Signs That You Have Controlling Parents and How to Deal with Them Hosted by Sabrina Tavernise. To this day, I can't really explain why I don't want to know other than it would really make no difference in my life today. What would your advice be regarding my relationship with my controlling mother? I truly hate it when that happens. and guilt because she helped child care. God bless you for finding a good husband and healing over time enough to share what happened. I have never grounded my daughter, but she has never done anything that I thought warranted punishment. He was a great dad but died when I was 22. Answer: This a profound question and I'm very glad you asked it because I'm sure many people in our situation are wondering the same thing. If you point out something they have done, they may project it back on to you. You did it! Unfortunately, my second oldest brother has anger-issues similar to my mother, the youngest of my older brothers has schizophrenia and my twin sister has anxiety, OCD and a severe learning disability. I recently started seeing a therapist and thanksti this I can finally see and understand why my life is so complicated and why most of the times I feel depressed. I got married right out of high school to get out asap, that soon ended in divorce. Perhaps part of why your birth mother left. It also hurts me because of my father, whom I love and has always been there for me, but I can't let her ruin my life and my kids as well. Leading up to me being 21 my mother used to tell me what I can and cant wear, she wouldnt allow me to have my own style and had to pick out my clothes for me, it was beyond annoying and many people questioned my mother about that and shed deny it and say I allow her to pick out her clothes when she never did. Here are a few tips: If you are a controlling person, awareness is the first step. Learn the difference between "bad mouthing" and VENTING. These people are some dumb, narcissistic, superficial, and honestly I hate them. This is the message of unconditional love many parents sadly give their children every single day. Me and Henry only dated until the end of senior year as he got a scholarship somewhere down south and he didnt want to pursue a long distance relationship and he also didnt want me to get into trouble with my mother. I would tell your mom on your next phone call, that you are no longer going to be accepting her 9pm calls more than once a week. But whatever you do, know that you can take a lot more than you think you can. Especially considering the stories I've told him about how close dad and I were. I'm Pregnant, Now What? | Pregnancy Options For Teens It was then just us and our mom, she cared for us the best she could for as long as she could. When we got home, there were post it notes all over the house. My parents found out and started driving up to the school. Hi there, thanks for sharing your story. But he, too, disappeared shortly after I turned one. I didnt want to tell my mother I was in a relationship at that point as I knew my mother would go off, since she didnt want to tell me about relationships when I was 16. I was never the type to talk with anyone about anything, especially my parents. I had gotten used to the idea of never speaking to him again. My younger sister moved out again when she was 20 or so and I moved out a year later. You never, ever, take your feelings of frustration and discomfort out on somebody else. By exploring her choice with her, not only do you show her you're interested in her life, and want to help her make the choices that are right for her, you are also educating yourself as to why that choice may actually be better for her than something else. Also, she confided in me that my sibling makes her feel suicidal. Question: My mum is trying to control my future. Since my second divorce I havent been in another relationship with anybody and have just been focusing on my daughter and Is well-being and happiness. She explained that her feelings had changed. I had a daughter 5 months later, since I was already 4 and half months pregnant when we got married. This was never our moms fault but she blamed herself. She also had a very strong accent, it was bizarre. A recent Supreme Court ruling put freedom of expression above freedom from discrimination. As a child my adoptive siblings were awful to me, since I was non verbal for the most part, I could talk just fine, I was just overly shy. Environment & company are important for a successful & happy life. For example: Today I ignored addtional calls over messenger and follow up texts that say: The interesting thing is.. my mom is two hairs short of a hoarder. I don't really have a question but I felt the need to write you. I also knew that i cannot allow toxic people around me. I just feel a lot of unhappiness within my life as a whole and I truly wish that I have independence and freedom & truly feel happy in my life, If anyone have similar stories, please feel free to share here as well and if anyone experience this before, do let me know how u cope with it or even overcome it. You're here, so make the most of it. He was caring, considerate and very affectionate towards me. My mom has raised me to think I cant survive without her, but I will get away from her and nothing will stop me. We hardly ever saw her and I never developed a proper relationship with her. In my experience, they never came into my dorm room or my home or did any type of search. I saw one of my moms friends twice a week for several years, as she was a therapist, who my mom sometimes saw. When the police show up, be calm, professional and rational. On the fridge, cabinets, mirrors, windows, floors. A 2013 study published in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology found that . I dont know why my mom has always been like this.. We were confused and thought we had missed some important details so just went along with everything. anaday from Ireland on February 05, 2018: I find your comment out of place. Growing up in a large family definitely has its benefits, but for some it doesnt so much. I am 20 years old and parents are still controlling every aspect of my If he does it in the family, you leave the table/whatever. The stress of 11 children on her was unimaginable. She adored him of course, but only because he looked more like me. She claims all mothers are like that because they love their children and i would become like that too when i become a mother. But I also know that living my best life means they did not suffer in vain and that offers me some comfort. Let the police know what's going on. I moved into my own home with my daughters. Looking back at my childhood, there were a number of signs, or "red flags" signaling my mother's controlling behavior: There were many other signs, but these were the biggest red flags. She always threatened to take my car from me. I graduated with a Bachelor's, I thought I could escape, but I had to move back home since I couldn't get hired! And you aren't doing those things, So she harps on you? I cried for weeks about it. He had an alcohol problem and she always had a lot of prescription codeine around. Something will happen during the day and then I think, "I have to tell mom, she'll love that," then it hits me that I can't. But I personally feel that allowing our children the room to grow and loving them unconditionally (truly unconditionally) is the best way to prevent yourself from becoming a controlling parent. She blamed herself for our behaviour as our dad left when I was only 14 and my sister was 12. Anton . She was content on just being a mom and doing her own thing. It does get better, but it takes time. Thank you for sharing your story with us. Its interesting that you've thrown your spin on this whole story. We started to drift apart, I began noticing that me and my mom had nothing in common anymore. Reddit, Inc. 2023. If you need to end a relationship, lean on a group of trusted people to help you end things in a healthy and safe way. My life sucks, I hate my personality and I don't want this for my daughter. I only had one birthday party that I can remember, and only one person showed up, which is why I remember it. She hardly spoke and even when I moved out, she still lived there and still didnt talk much. Whether she MEANT TO or NOT. I never said it was unbiased. Sorry, but if you want to brag about your parents, go somewhere else. I would ask her if you say this, what do you think will happen? They are . Bathing was one of them, our mom didnt want to bathe herself anymore so she got us to do it. My mother was appalled in me and told me that, thats not the way to treat someone. That's the one thing I wish I had done when I got to college. I grew up in a rather strict family, but also not that strict at the same time, it was in the middle. I have lived the past 10 years without talking to my parents, with exception of my dad. After graduating i turned 18, I sadly couldnt full celebrate my 18th as my mother wanted me at home with her, she didnt want me to go out with my friends and celebrate my birthday as she feared shed loose me. I have worked and continue to work very hard on my self-control and patience, as my mother had none and I refuse to allow my children to grow up with abuse in their life. I am grateful she gave me life and that I am here on this planet. I have been open with her about everything, treating her as an adult since she was five or six. I'm 19 years old and still live at home. Thank you Melissa. Because of this, my daughter and I are very close, and can talk about anything. Despite living with my grandparents, my father made an effort to be involved with a few visitations during my first year of life. She wanted the best future for you, and understood that would entail doing well in school and not getting pregnant as a teen. Even when she tried to not say something bad, she would inevitably "slip" and say something derogatory. Constantly hearing derogatory comments about your life decisions wreaks havoc on your self esteem and permeates your entire life. If you find that none of your current beliefs are your own, you'll need to open your mind and do some research. Yet they think it is strange I am making the wrong decisions in my life. After I left my country ,nearly 13 years ago she continued her mothering. Im glad my daughters and I have a very strong bond with each other, its something my mother and I never had and probably never will. Answer: This is a difficult situation to be in, and I'm sorry you have to deal with it. Sat 24 Feb 2018 04.00 EST I am a 17-year-old girl from a conservative family; they were furious when they discovered I was dating. My boyfriend is of a different race and nationality, which. Its better for them if they dont know of him. I dream of one day moving far away (as we still live in the same county) and being to out of reach for her to affect me anymore..but even that wouldn't reverse the damage that has already been done. My room was like an escape for me. Currently late 30s and trapped at their house. Hosted by Michael Barbaro. Well, after 4 years of dating, he made a new friend at a nightclub and spiralled down hill. I told them I went to my friends house for a sleepover as I wanted to live my life. Your parents might not realize they're being controlling because they think they're helping you. Seeing my mother like that did have an impact on me and I felt myself getting depressed. I'm just thinking about this all today and it makes me so angry and sad that i don't want nothing to do with her anymore. I finally felt like I had my freedom and since my sister in law encouraged me to life my life, we became close and shared everything with eachother. We can't fix ppl yet we must do what's healthy for us, and sometimes that means loving ppl from a distance. After a few years I decided to seek help after I hit a major low and considered suicide. Let them know that you told your mom this, and this is the result. I didnt want to be around my parents anymore as they tried so hard to control my adult life and try to pick a job for me they though Id love.
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